Rich Smith wrote HyperCritical in this fortnight's print edition of the Stranger—it's a print-edition-only column, so you'll have to pick up the paper to read it—and, needless to say (but I'm saying it anyway), I didn't see Rich's HyperCritical before it went to print and it wouldn't have gone to print if I had seen it and if Rich isn't already cleaning out his desk he should start.

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Rich is wrong about candy corn—which really shouldn't surprise me, seeing as my Blabbermouth sparring partner is WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING. Here's Rich (trigger warning for ageism):

Anyone who's not stoned or dangerously addicted to sugar knows that candy corn disgusting, inedible, a travesty. [Candy corn tastes] like your grandfather's house smells. This "candy" was invented in the 1880s with the express purpose of appealing to country bumpkin kids who'd always wanted to eat their own chicken feed. Seriously. "Chicken Feed" was the original name of the candy. As you know, the white, yellow, and orange "candy" doesn't taste like a kernel of sweet corn at all. It tastes like a cross between stale icing and dried wood glue.

Where to start?

With the ageism? (My grandfather's house smelled fine—what are you saying, Rich? Old people smell bad?) Or maybe with the deeply problematic, entirely gratuitous, and wildly hypocritical attack on non-urban children. Rich, who never shuts up about how he was raised in dried up creek bed in South Kentuckabama or wherever, scolds me whenever I suggest that poor whites in rural areas who vote for Republican politicians—poor rural whites who vote against their own economic interests—are moronic bumpkins. But Rich uses the same insult himself here. And he's attacking children. In a discussion about candy. (Also: a bumpkin is "a person from the countryside who is considered to be awkward and stupid" So there's no need to qualify "bumpkin" with "country," Rich. Was this piece even edited? And anyone who's about to jump into the comments thread to say I didn't need to qualify "bumpkin" with "moronic" since bumpkins are by definition stupid needs to take a goddamn seat: stupid and moron do not mean the same thing, you stupid moron.)

It's really hard not to take this as a personal attack. It's not just the dig at old people. (I'm literally the oldest person Rich has ever spoken to.) No, what really makes it clear that this piece is aimed at me—that I have been macro-aggressed against in my own publication—is Rich's seemingly tossed off comment about stale icing. I like stale cake and stale icing. This has been much here discussed on Slog. I saw what you did there, Rich, and now everyone sees it.

And bashing candy corn? Rich would have us believe he's bravely standing athwart confectionary history yelling blech. But people have been bashing candy corn for years. The Atlantic ("Here Is a Hard Truth: Candy Corn Is Terrible"), Deadspin ("Candy Corn Is Garbage"), BuzzFeed ("8 Reasons Why Candy Corn is The Worst"), Cosmo ("The 9 Scariest Things About Eating Candy Corn"), CNN ("Ick or Treat: 5 Strange Facts About Candy Corn") Spoon University ("6 Reasons Why Candy Corn Is the Worst"), and Gizmodo ("What Would Happen To Your Body If You Only Ate Candy Corn?") all beat Rich to the punch. National publications have even done explainers about candy corn bashing: HuffPo ("Explaining The Logic Behind Candy Corn Hatred"). Candy corn bashing has been going on so long that candy corn revisionism is now a thing: BuzzFeed ("If You Don't Like Candy Corn You're A Dumb Idiot").

Candy corn is delicious. It just is. I've enjoyed candy corn all my life—long before I started smoking pot—and refuse to be candy-corn shamed. I will not tolerate dissent on this point. It is the official position of this paper, our sister paper, our parent company, and the SECB, which just met in emergency session and voted unanimously to censure Rich Smith.

UPDATE: There's only one candy out there more delicious than candy corn: the Mellowcreme Pumpkin, aka "candy corn's first cousin."