“You're a size 5.”

“I was born in Kenya.”

“My dad is an astronaut.”

“I succeeded Ma Anand Sheela as the personal secretary of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh."

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“Tim’s are better than Lay’s.”

“Miley is better than Kanye, and Kanye is better than Kendrick.”

“No Jews died in 9/11.”

“I actually think Katie Herzog makes some important points if you read the whole article.”

“West Seattle is a great place to live.”

“I secretly think Pike/Pine is a lot more fun now than it was 20 years ago.”

“I ordered a burger at Lost Lake. It arrived moments later piping hot.”

“I still refuse to go to the new Canterbury Ale House.”

“I balanced the budget while protecting the vulnerable in 2003.”

“I had sex for 12 hours straight with no orgasm.”

“Jesus is Lord. Christ is King.”

"Dated Kurt before he got famous."

“Molly Moon's has the best ice cream in town.”

“I was the original Aspara(gus) in the Off-Broadway cast of Cats."

“I know a guy who knows a guy.”

“Never even wanted a stupid Gregory Award.”

"Sorry, I haven't returned your last nine texts. My phone's being weird."