Like you, I'm a concerned citizen who knows it's up to us to do something about the dangerous occupant of the Oval Office. Unlike you, I can also fit in a dryer. Right before I record my commercials about the pressing need to impeach the 45th president, my wife tosses me into our Maytag for a quick revolution or two. Not to worry—it's got Wrinkle Control and Advanced Moisture Sensing. I've got to say, it perks me right up. I know what you're thinking: "240 volts of electricity? What about your wedding band? Won't that spark a fire?" Here's the thing you probably don't know, and I'm happy to bring this information to your attention: Dryers aren't like microwaves. Metal is fine. Think about those rivets on your Levi's. Besides, I get mostly nude before I climb in, removing even my wedding band. The one time I forgot to take it off, the ring heated up and burned my finger. The downside was my wife's endless jokes about how the scar meant I was married to the dryer. But don't worry about me. As the future president of the United States, I can take a little heat.