Hello. I'm Francine Colman-Gutierrez, and here are some things (about Seattle) that you're wrong about.

"Transplants have ruined Seattle!"
Tell that to the heart surgeons at Swedish.

"Swimming in Lake Washington is gross."
It is literally cleaner than your bathtub.

"Seattle is too crowded!"
...says the unmarried bachelor who works at Pressed Juicery and shares a three-bedroom house on Beacon Hill with no one.

"I'm so sick of all the tourists!"
What, you think locals are going to buy your disgusting artisanal vegan jerky?

"It rains too much."
LOL, in a decade, your children won't remember what rain was.

"Stop driving and polluting the earth!"
Aren't you the guy who leaves Lime bikes in crosswalks?

"There are too many condos going up in my neighborhood."
Oh, I'm sorry—did you want all these tech bros to move into your apartment?

"The city has yet to take meaningful action to prevent thousands of unnecessary deaths from unreinforced masonry buildings."
Weren't you just saying there are too many people in Seattle? You can't have it both ways.

"I keep getting home later and later thanks to this traffic!"
Like anyone is waiting for you. Stranger Things can wait, champ.

"There's no way for me to ever afford a house here."
It would just be destroyed by the earthquake, anyway.

"Dating in Seattle is awful."
No, dating you is awful.

"Everyone in Seattle is passive-aggressive."
You're wrong about that.