Dear Kendra the Kitten,

I recently started dating a musician and I'm worried he might cheat on me. Do you have any advice?

—Beth, 22, Ballard

You know what I worry about, Beth? I worry about eating string and vomiting. I worry about feline lower urinary tract diseases, which can cause bloody urine, dehydration, and depression. Yes, I'm struggling with depression, thanks for asking. I also worry about fleas, and when I'm not worrying about fleas, I worry about tapeworms. You might think that a cute little kitten has it all worked out, but I don't. I would kill for a boyfriend, especially one that could play guitar. Grow up and get over yourself.

Dear Kendra the Kitten,

My wife is not a very good cook, but she wants to make me dinner on Valentine's Day. Should I just pretend to enjoy her cooking, or should I insist on taking her out to our favorite restaurant, the Pink Door?

—John, 51, downtown

My owner is not a very good cook, either. Every day he comes home from work, takes off his lanyard, sits down on the toilet without closing the door, takes a huge dump, sings to me "Kendra the Kitten, in the deep blue sea..." (which makes no fucking sense because I've never even seen the sea), and then, without washing his hands, goes into the kitchen and scoops dry cat food into a bowl for me. The fuck? Is he trying to give me foodborne illnesses? Why don't you divorce your wife and take me to the Pink Door?

Dear Kendra the Kitten,

I saw my girlfriend talk to another guy on campus. She was smiling and everything. What does it mean?

—Jake, 19, U-District

That you're ugly.

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