Tolkien
The Tolkien family doesn’t want you to see this, and they really don’t even want this to exist at all. So now you’re probably thinking, “Oh shit, I bet that means Tolkien’s like, all fucked up on the Longbottom Leaf and gets his mast wet like a Middle-earth pimp, fuck yeah!” Firstly: Ewwww. Secondly: Tolkien was a lifelong linguistics nerd who—when not at war or parenting his children—basically spent every spare minute making up Elvish and writing stories about fuzzy-footed foodies eating multiple breakfasts a day. You’re not getting anything even close to saucy with this movie. You’re getting a boilerplate biopic with bad Lord of the Rings cosplay sprinkled in.