...

1. I’m a heterosexual woman married to a heterosexual man, and we’ve been together fourteen years. We have two kids. We met in our late 20s, we’re now in our early 40s, and needless to say we are WILDLY different people — from who we used to be, and from each other, frankly. After having two kids, I only just got my libido back at the age of 41. But my husband and I have also been going through therapy and working on a number of issues. My point is, I really want to open a discussion with him about being non-monogamous but I’m terrified and nervous about how to bring this up with him. I need some help!

Just say it — but say it in the presence of (and with the assistance of) a sex-positive couples’ counselor. Figuring out to tell him you wanna start fucking again… but not just him (which he’s likely to hear as ‘just not you’)… is going to be tricky and you’re gonna need a professional assist.

---

2. My partner and I were traveling in Thailand. She got a vaginal discharge and asked me if I had slept with anyone else since I last saw her. I lied out of fear she would break up with me and said, “No.” I’ve now lost her. I apologized, sent flowers, and offered to go to counseling with her and she is giving me the silent treatment. Is there anything I can do to retrieve the relationship?

Nope.

---

3. I’m a queer woman in her senior year of college, who’s still a virgin. On one hand, I know people are ready for sex at different times, and I didn’t come out of the closet until college, so I feel like I should be more patient with myself. On the other hand, I want to get it over with. But I don’t even know how to go about hooking up with someone. I have a hard time talking to people. I’m insecure about my body, I worry I’ll say or do something stupid, and I worry I’ll fuck up any relationship I enter. What do I do?

Everyone is insecure about something related to their bodies, everyone worries about saying or doing something stupid, and everyone worries that they’re going to fuck up their relationships. The only thing that separates you from people aren’t still virgins is a willingness to take “yes” for an answer when people find you attractive. Also helpful: accepting that — like everyone else — you’re gonna do and stupid things from time to time. In most cases, the person you’re seeing will laugh off the stupid things you say and do, just as you’ll laugh off they stupid things they say and do. Saying or doing something seriously stupid will definitely fuck up your relationship — check out Q#2 — but not all fuck ups are fatal.

P.S. Get on the apps (breaking the ice over DM is easier than breaking it face-to-face), be honest about your inexperience, and don’t settle for someone who isn’t giving you generous, patient, and kind vibes.

---

4. I love having my tits groped but how do I communicate this to guys I hook up with in a way that is sexy? I feel so much shame around communicating my inner slutty desires.

If you can’t bring yourself to use your words — if you can’t bring yourself to ask for what you want (like a slut would) — take the hands of the guy you’re hooking up with and place them on your breasts. Put your own hands on top his hands and show him how you how much pressure you enjoy — show him how you like to be groped — by applying that same pressure to his hands.

---

5. Is there a way to tell a partner what you want in the moment while keeping it sexy?

If it’s something easily incorporated into the action — you want your partner to call you something specific or hold you down or spit in your mouth — confidentially asking your partner to do that thing is sexy. (“Spit in my mouth, please.”) If it’s something that can’t easily be incorporated into the action — you want your partner to tie you down or get a fist in you — initiate a little dirty talk with your partner about this hot-but-complicated thing you wanna do with them at some point down the road.

---

6. Middle-aged trans woman from Denmark here. So, when will you be talking about the show Dying for Sex? I have been ugly crying my way through all eight episodes and it’s still working its way around my subconscious. It’s a show about reclaiming sexuality, working through sexual trauma, sexual incompatibility (and compatibility), how to talk about boundaries and desires, D/s dynamics and, well, facing death. I cannot recommend this show highly enough, and I have been looking forward to hearing you talk about it since it came out.

Love this show — Jenny Slate and Michelle Williams are both brilliant. Four stars.

---

7. So, Kanye West and his cousin — thoughts?

Hate this show.

---

8. My partner’s wife treats him like shit. How can I support him without just saying “leave”?

Be the greener pasture.

P.S. You’re allowed to say “leave,” and “leave” may be the message he needs to hear — but you may not be the best messenger. (You could wind up bleeding out on that greener pasture.) Also, have you seen your partner’s wife treat him like shit with your own eyes or do you only have his word to go on?

---

9. I’m a cis woman in her forties who fantasizes about having a dick. Does that mean I’m trans?

There’s nothing stopping you, a cis woman, from having a dick whenever you want one. And the existence of so many trans men (who are men) who love their pussies would seem to indicate that transition, for many trans men, isn’t motivated purely by a desire/need to have male genitalia to feel whole. And while trans men are relatively rare, cis women who fantasize about having a dick — cis women who are curious about what it feels like to have one (which you can whenever you want) — are fairly common. So, unless there are other things about being a man that feels right in ways that both encompass and transcend dick, odds are good you’re experiencing something that affirms cisness, not something that points to transness.

---

10. Which is worse: bad sex with someone you love, or great sex with someone you can’t stand?

If you love someone and the sex is bad that either means the relationship isn’t going anywhere (because you’re not gonna settle for bad sex) or it means you’re stuck having bad sex for the rest of your life (because you already settled for bad sex). If you have great sex with someone you can’t stand, on the other hand, you can walk away without feeling regret… and circle back whenever you’re feeling weak. So, bad sex with someone you love — or hoped to love — is obviously worse.

---

11. How long do you wait at the end of a BJ before removing the D from your mouth?

If you’re giving a BJ, you’re free to remove the D from your mouth whenever you’re done — and you may finish before he does. But if someone is fucking your face — with your enthusiastic consent — then the guy who’s fucking your face removes the D when he’s done with your face/throat — unless something goes wrong and/or you’re not feeling it anymore and you withdraw your consent, in which case the D should be immediately removed.

---

12. Should bathroom hookups become normalized outside of bar/club settings?

Part of the thrill of hooking up someplace you’re not supposed to — like a toilet at a bar or a club — is that you’re not supposed to be hooking up there. And while normalizing toilet hook ups in bars and clubs and airports and locker rooms and hotel lobbies and university libraries might lead to a spike in people hooking up in the toilets of bars and clubs, etc., normalizing toilet hook ups would eliminate a big part of what makes those hook ups thrilling. So, if you enjoy toilet hookups and wanna keep them hot, you should fight against their normalization — tell your friends people who hook up toilets are disgusting, complain to the bartender about people hooking up the toilet right after you’re finished hooking up in the toilet, etc.

---

13. Is there a term that encompasses all the types of non-monogamy in the same way “queer” encompass everything that’s not straight? “Non-monogamy” is kind of unsatisfying, both because it sounds negative and is only defining what it is not. You’re good with terms. Got one for me?

I like “multiamory,” which isn’t a term I coined. Credit goes Emily Matlack, Dedeker Winston, and Jase Lindgren, hosts of the Multiamory podcast.

---

14. Should you tell your partner if their dirty talk is actively turning you off?

You can attempt to steer the dirty talk in a direction that works for you — to spare your partner’s feelings, reward their efforts, and satisfy their desire for some sort of dirty talk — but if they don’t take the hint, you’ll have to say something before you go soft or dry up.

---

15. Can someone discover a cuck kink from being cheated on or was that there already?

Once the anger subsides — once the betrayal has been processed — cheating could reveal a cuck/stag kink that was already lurking in the erotic subconscious of the person that was cheated on. But while, “I was cheated on and then realized I was a cuck,” is a popular cuck origin story in porn, it’s pretty rare in real life. Most cucks have to beg their partners to cheat on them.

---

16. If a guy says has a ton of bondage gear and you show up at his place to get tied up and he says that he prefers vanilla the first time and if the vanilla is good he’ll get his bondage gear out next time… he doesn’t actually own any bondage gear, does he?

He does not.

---

17. I heard about cuckolding (probably on your show) in high school and the second I got to college I started reaching out to couples who were looking for Bulls and I loved it a little too much. Six years later, I’ve only had one a “real” girlfriend close my own age. The rest of my sexual experiences have been with married women, most of whom have been older. I now see and service three married women regularly, women I actually really like. (I even enjoy their husbands’ company.) I don’t want to give this up. Have I ruined myself for real relationships?

---

Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love!
Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!
Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love