23. FOR PEAT’S SAKE: Log one that takes place in a swamp or a bog.
The Return of Swamp Thing
As government contractors slog through a shady swamp in search of moonshiners, one of them gets snatched up by a gross gloopy guy while taking a whizz. The gape-mouthed, Moo-Deng-esque creature toys with his human prey, but then, Swamp Thing shows up and absolutely beats ass.
Thus begins The Return of Swamp Thing, one of the most precious gifts ever put to celluloid. Going in, I knew next to nothing of Swamp Thing's lore, and largely chose this film due to its exceptionally fun poster. I watched it for the first time last night, and thank the bog gods I did.
Heather Locklear plays Abbie Arcane, a beautiful vegetarian who practices transcendental meditation and yammers to her flowers. Abbie travels to Florida to visit her evil, anti-aging quack of a stepfather, Dr. Anton Arcane, who is stationed in a cyber lair curiously close to a swamp. Turns out he experiments with gene splicing, creating a monstrous army from unfortunate humans and swamp animals. (Ostensibly, the gross gloopy guy is one of these human-swamp hybrids.)
Aside from the fact that Swamp Thing is an obvious "hear me out," he's also a scientist. Alec Holland was transformed into a bog beast after dealings with Dr. Arcane and his cronies years earlier, and now stalks the swamps, addressing Arcane's ongoing violence and foolishness with his fists.
When Dr. Arcane decides that Abbie is the next target for his experiments, she attempts to escape, and is rescued—then re-captured—then re-rescued—by Swamp Thing, who at one point oozes through Dr. Arcane’s bathtub faucet and reanimates himself with an electric green dazzle.
Frankly, the plot isn't super important. You get the gist: Swamp Thing is awesome and kinda hot, Dr. Arcane is a nutjob, Abbie and Swamp Thing belong together, etc. But The Return of Swamp Thing's most unexpected delights are two youngsters, introduced as they pore over porn mags in a trailer park. The gross gloopy guy tries to get 'em, but Swamp Thing saves the day again.
One kid in particular, a portly little redhead with a heart of gold, is perhaps history's finest child actor, delivering quotes like "Yeah, I think that green dude's good," and "Wow, Swamp Thing's kickin' some butt." Hard to argue with that.
The Stranger is participating in Scarecrow Video’s Psychotronic Challenge all month long! Every October, Scarecrow puts together a list of cinematic themes and invites folks to follow along and watch a horror, sci-fi, or fantasy flick that meets the criteria. This year, Stranger staffers are joining the fun and we’re sharing our daily recommendations here on Slog! Read more about Scarecrow’s 2024 challenge—and get the watch list—here. And you can track our daily recommendations here! 💀
