ANNOUNCING THE INAUGURAL SPLIFF FILM FESTIVAL LINEUP!

Slog PM: The Mueller Report Is Here, Dairy Cow Drama Continues, Georgia Senate Passes Shitty Anti-Abortion Bill

Whisper the report in our ear, Robert. Slowly.
Whisper the report in our ear, Robert. Slowly. ANN HEISENFELT / GETTY IMAGE

Shake Shack continues to expand its mediocrity into Seattle: Overrated Shake Shack burgers are headed to University Village in 2020. Currently, the burgers—which I adamantly think are "just okay"—are only available in South Lake Union. Though I try my hardest not to venture down there, I've heard that the Shake Shack buzz hasn't died down since that location opened last October. There will also be a Shake Shack on the Eastside by fall.

Dairy cow drama: The tragic tale of the frozen-to-death dairy cows isn't over. A rancher was arrested on suspicion of 29 counts of animal cruelty because 29 of his cows were found dead. He alleges they died in the early February storm that killed around 18,000 cows. Accusers think he starved them.

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Rob Johnson Ditches Public Service Early, Council Members Caught Texting, and More City Council Election News

Who wants to work here?
Who wants to work here? City of Seattle

Look, everyone is waiting on pins and needles to see what’s inside Robert Meuller's special report. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Regardless of whether or not Mueller’s report is forever kept secret or posted to Medium tomorrow morning and even if it includes an embedded video of Donald Trump soaked in urine at a Russian orgy, there is one immutable fact: Seattle still plans on electing its new City Council this year.

So what happened in the world of Seattle’s upcoming elections?

Rob quits his job: Councilmember Rob Johnson announced on Thursday that he would quit his job on the council early, ending his term on April 5. The council has 20 days to fill Johnson’s seat with a replacement and it appears that the council is leaning toward selecting someone who will only hold the seat until the end of the year and not run for reelection in Johnson’s District 4 seat. Johnson announced back in November that he would not seek reelection in the district, which includes the University District, Eastlake, and Sandpoint.

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The Us in Us Is the Us of Global Africanness

The new global black family....
The new global black family.... Universal Pictures

All I can say about Us is that Lupita Nyong'o's performance is really something else. If all works out, this will be the movie that makes her for our times what Will Smith was for the late '90s and early '00s. Time will tell. But the most important thing about this comedy/horror movie is not its story, written and directed by Jordan Peele, or the performances, but its casting.

That is the deep importance of Us. It will also be its lasting importance: Who is playing who. And it is here we must see Peele in the same light as Ryan Coogler, the director of Black Panther. These black Hollywood directors have a political agenda that's under the radar and not about exposing racism or addressing black suffering. No. They have another agenda—one that I think only the black audience can consciously or unconsciously catch and appreciate. They are forming a global black consciousness.

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One Reader of Mine Wants to Blow Another in Front of His Wife—Can I Hook Them Up?

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Her proposal prompted him to issue a counterproposal, woman shocked to discover she was seeing a pedophile (spoiler: she wasn't seeing a pedophile), sometimes the damage is too great, and is secretly perving on homeless every okay? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

About my response to PPUP:

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Please Accept My Apology

#Resistance shero Lauren Duca was outed as a bully this week by Jezebel.
#Resistance shero Lauren Duca was outed as a bully this week by Jezebel. Dave Kotinsky / Stringer

This week Jezebel published its latest investigative feature, a takedown of minor media figure Lauren Duca. Duca, a 28-year-old freelance writer, is known for parlaying a viral column in Teen Vogue (with the exceedingly millennial title “Donald Trump is Gaslighting America”) into a career as a sometimes-cable news pundit and, as of recently, an adjunct instructor at NYU. She has a lot of followers on Twitter, but if you’ve never heard of it, it’s probably because she’s not actually famous outside a certain demographic of hyper online media consumers. Still, Duca (allegedly) did something bad, and Jezebel senior reporter Anna Merlan was on the case.

The big dirt on Duca, according to Merlan’s 4,500 word article, is that in 2015, when Duca was 25 years old and working at the website formerly known as the Huffington Post, she got drunk at an office party, got into a tiff with a coworker who unfollowed her on Twitter, and later emailed the Huffington Post shit-talking that very same woman. She called her coworker, according to Merlan, an “overweight fake blonde.” Then, perhaps in an attempt to cover her trail, Duca apparently emailed the site a few more times with insults for other writers, including herself, whom she referred to as a “feminazi.” (I’m a bit surprised she didn’t call herself “that super hot and smart feminazi who should probably be a model,” but maybe she ran out of space.)

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Can the Internet Ruin the Porpoise of a Painting?

What youre looking at could be an Admiral Dolphin NOT a General Porpoise!
What you're looking at could be an Admiral Dolphin NOT a General Porpoise! JASMYNE KEIMIG
This morning, I woke up to a slew of tweets and messages concerning a post I wrote yesterday about my genuine appreciation of what I thought was a painting of a General Porpoise over at General Porpoise Doughnuts. The name of the artist who painted this masterpiece was brought to my attention: Robyn Jordan. Jordan is a Seattle cartoonist and illustrator who actually created some comics for us here at The Stranger.

In a comment left on the original porpoise post, Jordan revealed that Renee Erickson and Jeremy Price (the founders and owners of Sea Creatures, a restaurant and hospitality group that includes places like The Walrus & The Carpenter) commissioned her to paint this portrait. It's inspired by a photoshopped image found on the internet, which she painted while binging Gilmore Girls. She says she hadn't used oil paint in a while, but, to me, it's excellent, excellent work. Emotional, as I’ve said previously. Kitschy. Silly. Perfect.

However, the internet always finds a way to take away momentary joy. As many commenters pointed out, the regalia adorning the sea mammal does not indicate that he’s a general but an admiral. Though they are equivalent ranks, a general is in the Army and an admiral in the Navy. Furthermore, someone alleged that it's not a porpoise—but a dolphin. For those of you unaware of the difference, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration lays it out like this:

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An Asian Tex-Mex Food Truck and More Seattle Food News You Can Use: March 22, 2019 Edition

Phorale, South Parks Asian-Tex Mex fusion counter with a loyal following, makes a triumphant return with the grand opening of its food truck this week.
Phorale, South Park's Asian-Tex Mex fusion counter with a loyal following, makes a triumphant return with the grand opening of its food truck this week. Matto Photo

This week, read about the return of South Park's beloved Asian-Tex Mex fusion counter Phorale in its new life as a food truck; Korean-inspired chicken and waffles, poutine, and other comfort food from the new Ballard restaurant Watson's Counter; a new all-day cafe called Bar Hitchcock on Bainbridge Island from chef Brendan McGill; and news of two upcoming Shake Shack locations for Washington. You'll find all that, plus events for this weekend (like Plate of Nations and the 20th Annual Washington Cask Beer Festival) below. For more ideas, try our list of food and drink specials to try in March, our list of places to pick up food for a picnic, and our full food and drink calendar.

OPENINGS
Bar Hitchcock
Chef Brendan McGill's cozy new all-day cafe Bar Hitchcock, located next door to Hitchcock and Hitchcock Deli on Bainbridge Island, opens today, according to a press release. The space seats 50 guests and includes a 30-foot bar as well as a lounge area with a communal table, fireplace, books, board games, and vinyl records. In addition, there's a bar program created by Erik Hakkinen of Zig Zag Cafe, with options for "spritz," "restorative," and "boozy" cocktails that will rotate seasonally. For breakfast, there will be dishes like shakshuka, a lox plate, and avocado toast with fermented chilis and radish, as well as espresso and pastries, followed by items like sandwiches (including porchetta, pastrami, and Carolina BBQ), harissa lentils, and wood-fired kabocha squash for lunch. From 4-10 pm, the bar menu includes charcuterie, steamed mussels, baked oysters, barbecue pork cheeks, fish sauce wings, and more. In the press release, McGill said, “The beauty of an all day cafe and bar is that our guests can eat, drink, and play with zero pretension. From brunch with your crew, laptop coffee shop time, a drink and snack at the bar, or a place to drink wine, play cards and listen to music…we’ll be open at least 14 hours a day, which creates a great deal of opportunity.”
Bainbridge Island

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NewsCityPolitics

Rob Johnson's NHL Start Date Is Sooner Than We Thought

This is the best picture we have of Rob (far left).
This is the best picture we have of Rob (far left). Lester Black

Rob Johnson only has two weeks left representing District 4 in Seattle City Council. In his interview with KING5, Johnson said he was looking forward to getting back to being a dad and that this decision had nothing to do with his future employment with NHL Seattle. It’s not clear when Johnson will assume that next role, but it will be soon.

“We haven’t settled on a start date yet,” Johnson told The Stranger over the phone en route to a meeting. “My last day on the council will be April 5. I won’t be moving over [to NHL Seattle] until sometime in late April or in May.”

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Two Individuals in Seattle Have Between Them a Quarter of a Trillion Dollars

Billionaire town!
Billionaire town! Charles Mudede
How to understand this madness? The combined wealth of two men in Seattle is now valued at $245 billion. One, Jeff Bezos, has $145.6 billion; the other, Bill Gates, now has $100 billion. The later made nearly $10 billion last year alone. But any attempt to explain how this is at all possible, how a fortune of $90 billion grew nearly three times faster than the economy itself (2.9%) in 2018 (when one should expect, as the size of a fortune grows, that it, as a part, becomes more aligned with the whole—in the terms of population genetics, if this were not the case, it would be like radical founder effects thriving in a huge population) we must first abandon all of the leading ideas of orthodox economics.

The dominant thinking about money and wealth distribution almost all of us consume in newspapers, TV shows, and university classrooms will get us nowhere when it comes to the fortunes of Bezos and Gates.

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Last-Minute Plans: 97 Free, Cheap & Easy Things To Do in Seattle This Weekend: March 22-24, 2019

Dont miss Saturdays free grand opening party for ARTS at King Street Station, a new arts and culture space dedicated to displaying work by and creating opportunities for artists of color. The opening exhibit is yəhaw̓.
Don't miss Saturday's free grand opening party for ARTS at King Street Station, a new arts and culture space dedicated to displaying work by and creating opportunities for artists of color. The opening exhibit is yəhaw̓. Priya Frank

Panicking because you don’t know what to do this weekend and you're short on cash? Don't worry—below, find all of your options for last-minute entertainment that won't cost more than $10, ranging from Holi celebrations in Redmond and Bellevue to the Wagner Education Center Grand Opening, and from the Seattle Gaels Field Day to Seattle's French Fest. For even more options, check out our complete Things To Do calendar, our list of cheap & easy things to do in Seattle all year long, and our roundup of exclusive flash deals on upcoming events.

Found something you like and don't want to forget about it later? Click "Save Event" on any of the linked events below to add it to your own private list.

    FRIDAY

    COMEDY

  1. Double Feature: Fur Baby & Mixer Upper
    Have you ever wondered what your pet would be like if it were a human? For example, maybe your Goldendoodle is a "preteen gymnast with Olympic sized dreams." The improv performers of Fur Baby will riff on your relationship with your non-human companion. After that, Mixer Upper will take the stage with their "designing and remodeling" improv. 
    (Fremont, $10)

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Sacred Bones to Reissue Mort Garson's Evergreen 1976 Moog LP, Mother Earth's Plantasia

This is my kind of roots music.
This is my kind of roots music. Sacred Bones Records

Great news: Mother Earth's Plantasia, an ultra-rare 1976 album by the phenomenal composer and Moog synthesizer master Mort Garson, is finally getting a legit vinyl reissue by New York label Sacred Bones on June 21 (digital copies are available now).

Garson—who also composed music for Elektra and A&M's trendy late-'60s Zodiac series of LPs—supposedly created Plantasia with the goal to help plants realize their full growth potential. It was initially sold only at Mother Earth plant shop and Sears, which gave it away with purchases of Simmons mattresses (seriously). Whatever the case, Plantasia is a wonderfully whimsical piece of electronic music, and worth owning regardless of your interest in botany. Subtitled “warm earth music for plants…and the people that love them,” the record abounds with enchanting, delicate melodies, tantalizing textures, and subliminal rhythms that will get your flora's roots dancing up a storm. Garson's Moog certainly had green circuits.

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A Coffee Shop with Spaceships Hanging from the Ceiling

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RACHELLE ABELLAR

From the outside, Wayward Coffeehouse looks like your standard cafe: a few tables, a smattering of chairs. After entering, you come to a few realizations. Mostly that it's bigger on the inside.

I didn't fully understand why so many people had told me that I would love Wayward until I pushed open the door. The inner geek in me—something that's always there but lies dormant unless stimulated by memorabilia or a tasteful graphic tee—flared to life.

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Why Are People So Weird About Eating Bones? I Eat Them Whole

Originally published on April 1, 2015.

You cant eat bones in peace, or without embarrassment, or without looking crazy in most dining establishments in this country.
You can't eat bones in peace, or without embarrassment, or without looking crazy in most dining establishments in this country. Kris Chau

My grandmother was dirt-poor. She lived in a mud hut on what basically amounted to a rock (nothing grows on a rock) and rarely ate anything as exciting as meat. Whenever there was meat on the table, it was usually a part of the animal that had little value: the intestines, the head, the feet. If there was bone in that meat, you damn well ate it. Eastern Zimbabwe (then called eastern Rhodesia) was a world of primitive accumulation, heavy labor, and next-to-nothing wages.

Very little food was ever wasted.

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The Best Happy Hours for Beer Geeks

The Pine Box
The Pine Box

This piece is presented as part of The Stranger's 2018 Happy Hour Guide, where you can find all manner of places to get deals on food, drink, and even weed—and find out who won our reader's survey of favorite bartenders in Seattle.

The Pine Box
The Pine Box (1600 Melrose Ave) is a mainstay of Seattle's beer scene, and for good reason. There's its convenient location halfway up Capitol Hill, an easy climb from downtown, or an easy descent from Volunteer Park. There's the historic charm of it being in an old funeral home, which hosted Bruce Lee's funeral in 1973. There are comfortable booths and plenty of other seating. And there's one of the best curated beer lists in the city. Their 30-plus taps always feature some of Seattle's finest breweries, consistently including hard-to-get kegs like Holy Mountain, Cloudburst, and Machine House, as well as a smattering of great out-of-state and even international beer. Plus, for whatever reason, a lot of beer from California's Firestone Walker Brewery.

Once they even had the famous Rodenbach Grand Cru on tap, a Flanders Red Ale made in Belgium that consistently ranks as one of the best beers in the world. On my last visit, I opted for Holy Mountain's Remnant Saison, bright yellow with hints of lemon, oak, and mustiness with a slightly tart finish. I could drink and think about that beer for hours. Happy hour is 3-6 pm weekdays, 11 am-6 pm Saturday and Sunday, and includes $1 off every draft, pints of Firestone Walker's DBA for $4 each ($14 pitchers), and bites for $4 to $9.

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Nickelsville Facing Eviction from City-Funded Tiny House Villages

A former Nickelsville tiny home village on Dearborn
A former Nickelsville tiny home village on Dearborn Kelly O

The residents and staff of Nickelsville got some unwelcome—but not entirely unexpected—news this week.

In an email sent Wednesday morning, Sharon Lee, the executive director of the Low Income Housing Institute (LIHI) informed Nickelsville staff and leadership that they will be severing their relationship with the organization. This could end up defunding the organization, as well as costing Nickelsville staff their jobs, and it means that Nickelsville will almost certainly be evicted from its three tiny house villages in Georgetown, Northlake, and Othello.

"It has become apparent that there are fundamental differences in our organizations’ approaches and aspirations," Lee wrote. "While we are proud of the good work we’ve accomplished together in providing shelter and community to hundreds of people and families experiencing homelessness, it has become clear that these differences are not reconcilable."

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