Judge releases full grand jury report in Trump investigation: The report's new insights into the 2020 election interference are pretty interesting. The biggest immediate takeaway: the special grand jury initially intended to indict more people. On that list? Former Georgia senators David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), and former Trump national security adviser Michael Flynn. Cool, cool, cool, I love when elected members of our government try to invalidate democracy. 

What did Lindsey Graham do? Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger told the press that Graham reportedly called him back in 2020 and asked "if it was possible to throw away mail-in ballots in counties crucial to Joe Biden’s win in Georgia." 

Study shows you won't die from a fentanyl overdose if you ride the bus: A new University of Washington study swabbed buses and trains in Seattle and Portland to test how much airborne and surface fentanyl and methamphetamine residue they could find. Researchers found fentanyl residue on a quarter of the trains and meth on all transit sampled, but all of the residue found was "too low to pose a risk to riders or to trigger acute illness or make a transit operator 'high,'" according to the analysis from the Seattle Times. Nobody is getting contact highs from breathing light rail air. Who commissioned this study? Those cops who pretended they experience fentanyl overdoses from touching the drug? Just kidding, I know it was commissioned by Sound Transit, King County Metro, Community Transit, Everett Transit, and TriMet in response to concerns from drivers. 

The fish market's got beef: Pike Place Fish Market—y'know, the people hucking halibut around tourists— opened a new off-site warehouse to deal with its growing mail-order business. The Pike Place Market Preservation and Development Authority (PDA) is not chill with that at all because it doesn't want any businesses profiting from the "Pike Place" name outside of the Market for fear of diluting its value. The entity and the business are now locked in a heated trademark battle. 

Jimmy Fallon allegedly a giant dick: Rolling Stone published an exposé on how shitty it is to work for funny guy Fallon at The Tonight Show. Current and former employees dished about the toxic workplace helmed by the notoriously temperamental host. The story described hissy fits, bad moods turning into personal attacks and bad days for the entire show, and it hinted at a possible on-the-job drinking problem. What's most damning to me (aside from the various employees who reported suicidal ideations, panic attacks, and weight and hair loss from working there) is that of the 50 Tonight Show employees contacted by RS, not one would go on the record to say anything positive about Fallon. The network wouldn't even give him positive lip service. 

Fallon responded after the report came out: He apologized to his employees. "It’s embarrassing and I feel so bad,” Fallon said. “Sorry if I embarrassed you and your family and friends… I feel so bad I can’t even tell you.”

Flooding in Hong Kong: Late Thursday night, Hong Kong received its heaviest rainfall since it started keeping records in 1884. More than six inches of rain fell in an hour. Some parts of the city saw 19.7 inches of rain in 24 hours. Flash floods covered streets and drowned subway stations. 

Thirty years to life for Danny Masterson: The That 70s Show actor was sentenced to a minimum of 30 years and a maximum of life in prison for drugging and then violently raping two women in 2003, when he was at the height of his fame. Masterson did not speak or show any visible remorse while his victims testified against him. One woman said to him, "When you raped me, you stole from me. That’s what rape is, a theft of the spirit."

Drug prosecutor tries to get out of DUI: In Florida back in July, police found federal drug prosecutor Joseph Ruddy looking so drunk he could barely stand. He allegedly hit another vehicle while driving drunk and then sped off. When police arrived at his house, Ruddy handed them his U.S. Justice Department business card in full view of the cops' body cameras. Ruddy remained on the job for two months. This week, after the Associated Press inquired about him, he was pulled off three cases. With a blood alcohol level at 0.17%, or twice the legal limit, he was charged with driving under the influence with property damage. He was not charged with leaving the scene of an accident, even though he admitted to doing so and witness testimony confirmed it. Hmmm. Seems like he knew what special treatment he'd get if he flashed his credentials. 

Suspended Spanish soccer president faces charges: Luis Rubiales, the guy who non-consensually kissed one of his players after Spain won the World Cup, faces charges of sexual assault and coercion from Spanish state prosecutors. The charges come two days after the player he kissed, Jenni Hermoso, formally accused him of sexual assault. After refusing to step down, he was suspended from his role at the end of August. His mom even locked herself in a church and went on hunger strike to protest the treatment of her son. I wonder how her hunger strike is going with all these new developments. I'd wager not great. 

Woody Allen weighs in: Woody Allen defended Rubiales in the press, saying "He wasn't raping her, it was just a kiss and she was a friend. What’s wrong with that?" Maybe it's just me, but Woody Allen is not the guy I'd want defending me of my alleged sex crimes. 

Spare some change? Rudy Giuliani is desperate for a handout. The former New York City mayor is facing a tidal wave of legal fees, fines, sanctions and damages for all the work he did on those doomed Donald Trump projects, like the one where he allegedly attempted to overturn the 2020 election. Trump hosted a $100,000-a-plate fundraising dinner for ole Rudy last night at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf club. He'll likely host another one at Mar-a-Lago since Rudy's really in the red here. Meanwhile, Giuliani is hawking autographed 9/11 shirts, and he's on Cameo.

Classical music has really gone to the dogs: This Danish orchestra is performing a symphony featuring barking dogs. I don't know what they're going for here, but I think it sounds just terrible. 

Maybe Vivek Ramaswamy will like it: The businessman and GOP presidential candidate said he likes Mozart. Maybe he'll like dog Mozart. But, in all seriousness, look at how perplexing his music taste is:

Corpse pose takes on another meaning: Police received an alarming call in the English seaside parish of Lincolnshire. A ritual mass killing had taken place, and a robe-clad leader was walking between a room full of her dead victims, the emergency call reported. Five police cars showed up. What they found was a yoga class. A 22-year-old yoga teacher had been leading her class through the final relaxing stage of Shavasana, or corpse pose, when passerby had peered into the window. Nobody had been slain, no Kool-Aid imbibed. Not everything is a true crime documentary, you freaks.

Speaking of music: Unlike Ramaswamy, some of us have taste. I've been obsessed with Thunderpussy ever since I saw them perform at Bumbershoot. This is real fan behavior. I need to cool it. Anyway, enjoy: