Strong January vibes: Lately, Seattle’s weather seems to be experiencing an identity (read: climate) crisis, but today things look pretty normal for January in the PNW. In the morning, expect temperatures to sit at around 45 degrees and then heat up ever so slightly to the upper 40s in the afternoon before cooling off again at around sunset. And no January day would be complete without hours of showers! Enjoy!

Out the child rapists: Last night, a federal judge unsealed dozens of pages of court documents in a case against convicted sex trafficker and alleged child rapist Jeffrey Epstein, who, if there is a god, is currently burning in hell. For weeks, the internet has waited for an Epstein “client” list that would finally expose powerful people who supported or participated in Epstein’s crimes, but so far the documents mostly reaffirmed his previously known associations. The unsealed names include former President Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, former modeling agent Jean Luc Brunel, loyal Epstein legal advisor Alan Dershowitz, Michael Jackson, and magician David Copperfield. The judge will release more soon, according to the Associated Press.

Terror: Two bombs exploded near the burial site of military commander Qasem Soleimani, killing 84 people in Iran yesterday. ISIS claimed responsibility this morning. 

I will never be as unhinged as her, and I'm kinda jealous: An excerpt from GOP presidential candidate Nikki Haley's 2012 book made its rounds on Twitter yesterday. Apparently, she renamed her husband to his middle name. Some Twitter users got a good laugh out of it, some called her a sociopath, but I'm guessing that for Haley, who also goes by her middle name, it doesn't seem like a big deal. 

Make Colorado Great Again: Trump appealed to the US Supreme Court Colorado’s decision to boot him from the Republican primary ballot. According to The Hill, the appeal sets the stage for a landmark legal battle over the interpretation of the 14th Amendment, which blocks insurrectionists from holding federal office.

RIP: Fuck, I loved this game.

Would you look at that: Developer Stream Real Estate filed plans to convert an old, empty office building in Uptown into an apartment building, creating 68 new apartments. Some technocrats have promoted office-to-apartment conversions, seeing a high rate of office building vacancy as office culture chokes on her final breath. But it's sort of a goofy idea. With all of its challenges, turning offices to apartments won’t solve the housing crisis, but it’ll be fun to see how this experiment works out! 

Get wrecked, Burien: Seattle/King County Coalition on Homelessness and three unhoused plaintiffs filed a lawsuit against the City of Burien, claiming a recent camping ban amounts to “cruel punishment” against unhoused people who have nowhere else to go. My money’s on the plaintiffs, honestly. Seattle faces a similar suit, and in a partial ruling this summer the judge declared that Seattle plays it too fast and loose with their unannounced sweeps.

She said it! I just read it: For everyone discoursing on Twitter about leaving Gypsy Rose Blanchard alone after she got out of prison at the end of last month, please let me enjoy her voluntary online presence. 

HIIIIIIIIII: I had soooo much fun on Saturday seeing Drag Race royalty Alaska Thunderfuck 5000’s holiday live show, “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like ALASKA… A Christmas Show,” at the Neptune. I know Alaska as a dry-humored queen who won RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 2, but this show revealed a really matured version of Alaska, particularly when it came to her strong vocal performance. Queens sing on Drag Race for sure, but in a I-played-the-lead-in-every-high-school-musical-because-I-was-the-only-boy way. In this show, I literally just forgot Alaska was doing drag, even though she had a foot-tall blonde beehive. But then she would do something that reminded me she’s terminally online—parade a Jesus dummy around the stage, worship Cher, or play a slideshow of AI generated photos in a way that, no offense, felt like an Ellen Degeneres Show segment. Millennial corniness with AI aside, Alaska’s show ended up being one of my favorite holiday celebrations of the season. 

Alaska hugs he/they Jesus after singing "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" with the lyrics changed to "I love you, Jesus." HK

On this day in music history: On Jan. 4, 2020 Miley Cyrus spent a fat $300 million to settle a case where Jamaican singer Flourgon accused her of ripping off his 1988 track “We Run Things.”