Savage Love Letter of the Day: A letter writer suggests "let's make racism so gay the racists can't stand it anymore" (no), a letter writer's boyfriend won't let her go to HUMP! without him, no more death-gripping, and this letter writer's group sex with her fiancé is great but she can't come during it and feels guilty after. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

Regarding NOPE:

I had an extremely similar situation as NOPE: amazing new partner who is great at sex but with whom I hadn’t been able to come, whereas in my previous relationship the sex was boring and routine but I usually got off. I shared your advice to NOPE with my new partner; we did pretty much exactly what you suggested, and I finally got that O I’ve been chasing with him (the first of many, I hope!). Thank you for the assist!

About the Lovecast:

Just a quick note regarding a comment you made to the man looking to make his wife feel better about their newly open relationship. You told him that for her to find dick that all she would have to do is put herself on a dating app. I understand that it is, in general, easier for women to find men than the other way around, but can you please not make it sound like every woman on the planet is just one dating app away from a dick buffet? It's not true. There are plenty of us cisgendered women who get completely ignored by men on dating apps or out in public with our friends — especially if we aren't conventionally attractive. There are a lot of ladies out there who go years without sex because nobody is interested. I know because I am one of them. Please don't add to our erasure by trotting out the lady on the dating app = CONSTANT DICK OMG line.

On being gay and lonely:

When I read your September 11 column, my heart went out to all men who wrote in about experiencing sexual and emotional loneliness. Loneliness seems to be epidemic among so many of us, thank you for highlighting those feelings as experienced by those particular gay men in midlife. One suggestion you may want to offer is that folks like these consider seeing a compassionate sex worker. Like other humans, sex workers (and I am one) come in a variety of shapes, sizes, ages, phenotypes like skin colour, cultural heritage, genders, and sexual orientations. Some of us specialize in providing sexual coaching and intimacy therapy. There is a sex worker out there to suit each of these men (in spite of the wrongly punitive FOSTA-SESTA legislation making work very difficult for many professionals in your country).

I’d urge these men to find a sex worker who is compassionate, kind, and willing to take their time. Sex workers do more than provide sexual services. Intimacy, companionship, kind touch, listening, and conversation are a huge part of the services many of us provide. We see the widowed, the bereaved, the differently-abled, the aged, the young, those trapped by religious and cultural rules, those trapped in sexless marriages (sometimes because their partner is desperately ill), those unable to have conventional relationships (for whatever reason), and the lonely. Many clients simply want to be held and listened to. An hour or two of intimacy and contact a month can make a huge difference in someone’s life. Helping people is an enormously satisfying part of the job we do. And many of us also feel genuinely good and genuinely connected with many of our clients, and many of us value the connection they give us. We’re all humans and we all need connection!

Like paid dental care mental health care, and (in your country’s case) paid parental leave, and even goddamn basic universal healthcare, sexual healthcare would be something I would grant to all of us, were I Queen of the World.

Specific suggestions for LAG and UGLY, two of the three gay & lonely guys whose letters appeared in that gay-and-lonely column:

Has LAG tried sites specifically designed for older men like DaddyHunt and SilverDaddies? Some young guys on that site say they will not even consider a man for a date if he’s not over 50 or 60. Others just like mature men and don’t find a lot in common with younger guys. Also for “UGLY,” there are several sites that feature connections with “bears and cubs.” Sounds like he would be a big hit — especially with the full beard! That is such a turn-on for so many bear hunters! And if he really hates his overweight body, there are other options — like diets or having the stomach stapled, etc. I know that’s not what he wants to hear, but there are many weight reduction options, too — even though some men only will consider a hefty dude for dating.

Michael Hobbes, the guest expert who helped me advise LAG, UGLY, and AAF, has a new piece up at HuffPo about obesity and how everything we think we know about the subject is wrong. I would strongly encourage you to read Hobbes' piece before blithely urging anyone to diet, get their stomachs stapled, and avail themselves of one of the "many weight-reduction options" out there.

To YAFU:

Take it from someone who tried to make it work with a man who I "needed more from" for 17.5 years: Run, sweetie, run now. Especially if my impression that you do not (yet) have children with this man is correct. I know you feel obligated to try to make it work, but you realize after you have kids that, "I could have left!!!" I had a chat relationship (if you can call it that) because I was lacking any validation from the person I chose to be with. When he found out that I had dared to discuss my perpetual state of "under-fucked" and had conversations about how that would change if I left, he punished me for it for over a decade. I felt like a touch-starved infant. But I was a good mom, and I had made my bed so now I had to lie in it. And at least he wasn't physically abusive, and had a job, and he could be fun when I suppressed how lonely I felt.

Then one day, when I was working full time, going to school full time, and feeding the family every day (and just home from the hospital) he wrote a seven page list of all the ways that I sucked, ending with the suggestion that I do more laundry or move out. That was my A-ha moment, and when I stopped laughing I told him I would be out by the end of the week. This was six years ago, and I am happier and healthier than I ever knew was possible.

DTMFA, sister.

And finally...

Hey Dan and the tech savvy at risk youth! Mid-time (4-ish years) listener, first time emailer. I’m a 35-year-old straight cis guy in the Portland area. First, I hope the rotator cuff surgery and recovery have gone well! As requested in your pre-surgery podcast, I purchased and then received some ITMFA wear: a new hat! I have been proudly wearing it in the Portland/Salem area. Attached is a pic of my cute pup in my new hat. He wasn’t very cooperative, but it’s still a dog in a hat! Thanks for all you do, the world is a much better place with you and your team!