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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: His boyfriend made constant and baseless accusations of cheating and then he cheated, the man she married stole her car, he loves having his balls sucked but it hurts and that sucks, sexually inexhaustible husband expects too much from completely exhausted wife, and, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

I talked about abortion rights and Georgia's abortion ban on the top of a recent Lovecast and someone involved in the fight on the ground there wrote in with some great points...

I'm a lawyer and reproductive justice advocate in Georgia working around the recently signed anti-abortion law.
I wanted to thank you for using your platform to talk about the abortion law but also provide some clarifying information. My colleague Oriako Njoku (Executive Director of ARC Southeast) and I recently co-authored an article explaining why alarmist responses to this law are dangerous to Georgians' health.

Abortion is still legal in Georgia. The new law is scheduled to go into effect on January 1, 2020 - if ever. There are lawyers from the ACLU, Center for Reproductive Rights, and Planned Parenthood working to file a lawsuit challenging the law and are expecting to file shortly. Every other law banning abortion at this stage of pregnancy has been enjoined or struck down by the courts. Resources like the Abortion Care Network and the National Network of Abortion Funds exist to help provide people seeking abortion services with logistical and financial support. The Georgia fund is Access Reproductive Care (ARC) — Southeast.

While the this law is appalling it's important to remind people in Georgia—and across the country—that safe and legal abortion services are still accessible. Promoting the narrative that abortion is now illegal is dangerous as it may deter people from seeking care. Clinics and abortion funds in Georgia and across the Southeast are already reporting a significant uptick in calls from worried patients asking if they can still come to their appointments and receive care. While this bill raises some serious concerns—that are unsettled under current law—focusing on the potential effects of the bill can spiral out and cause patients unnecessary fear.

Further, you highlighted several studios that have committed to not shooting in Georgia and called on other studios and businesses to do the same. Advocates on the ground—including Stacey Abrams, following the 2018 Gubernatorial election—are urging businesses and people with platforms to NOT boycott Georgia. Boycotts and strikes will do little to sway the minds of the lawmakers who championed this bill and will instead cause further harm to the workers and families most impacted by this bill. The best thing studios, businesses, and individuals can do is support the advocates on the ground who are leading this work. Over the weekend Jordan Peele and JJ Abrams pledged to continue filming their projects in Georgia and will donate the proceeds of their work to the local advocacy organizations.

There have been calls to support orgs with a national presence but it's important to also support the WOC- and QTPOC-led, local organizations that are leading this important work. The organizations in Georgia I'd recommend include Access Reproductive Care (ARC) – Southeast, Feminist Women’s Health Center, National Asian Pacific American Women’s Forum (NAPAWF) Georgia Chapter, SisterLove, Inc., SisterSong, SPARK Reproductive Justice Now!, Inc., URGE: Unite for Reproductive & Gender Equity, and Women Engaged.

Thank you again for using your platform to amplify this issue. If you have any additional questions I'm happy to be a resource.

Jillian Heaviside, J.D.

Thank you for writing, Jillian, and yes to supporting all those orgs and backing people on the front lines.

Regarding my intro to last week's podcast...

This isn’t a question but more of a follow-up on Episode 656. You discussed Romanian dictator Ceausescu and I wanted to pass along the documentary entitled Ceausescu’s Kids. It brings the point home about what happens to children when a government outlaws abortions:


I used to teach at a university and would often show this in my lifespan development class which would cause at uproar for some but lead to a wonderful discussion about women’s health, child development, and many other topics.

And...




On my reply to HURT:

Where were you thirty years ago when I needed someone to knock me on the head with the obvious, Dan?

To HURT: All those questions you asked yourself are things your ex would never ask himself. Why do his insecurities make it OK for him to badger and accuse you? And I wonder if you "cheated" on this manipulative twerp because deep down it occurred to you that you were already living with the consequences of cheating and you weren't even getting the sex.

My ex did the same thing to me for three years—lifting his nose and giving me the silent treatment if I was twenty minutes late getting home from work. ("Oh. TRAFFIC. Is that what we're calling it now?") This was before cell phones and one day, a terrible accident brought the freeway to halt. I sat in traffic growing more and more agitated because I knew what was waiting for me.

Suddenly, I had an idea that filled me with calm. When I walked in the door two hours late, he came rushing at me with accusations, along with an undercurrent of glee at the chance to pose as the wounded party. The accident was all over the news and it was perfectly obvious why I was late. "Oh. Am I late?" I asked. "Huh." Confused, he went silent, calculating his response. He tried this one more time until he realized I was done playing that game. (I wouldn't advise this strategy for someone in a physically abusive relationship.)

And:

It, frankly, doesn't matter much if abusive accusations or blow ups come ever couple months, weeks or daily. In truth, I think the former is often worse. The dread an abuser creates with the constant fear that life could be upended or disrupted at an moment is a powerful weapon.

About that guy's aching nuts and the cremaster muscles most likely responsible for those aches...

Dan! You swung and missed at the best Wayne's World joke of the year! (That's an award right?) The CREAMmaster. I'm so disappointed. And is ball sucking a proper function of extra lobster?

And...

"...whenever I've had my balls sucked, it hurts."

Probably you're right about the cremaster & all, Dan. But I had a sensitive ball. And my GP did a manual exam and said "epididymal cyst." As did a subsequent GP. But ten years later a new GP said, "Let's scan that sucker." Testicular tumor. Non-malignant it turns out. But that was pure luck. So maybe have it checked out?

Regarding my huzzbennn:

I really enjoy your webcast. I am a 60+ cis heterosexual woman who volunteers as a sexual assault victims advocate. I greatly appreciate the topics you cover, as I feel it gives me greater understanding and insights into many facets of behavior and relationships so I can better support all the clients I work with. But I notice that whenever you talk about your husband you change your tone and voice when you say the word “husband." If I heard someone I did not know say it like that I would think they were mocking the person, or that they were not comfortable using the term. I am wondering why you do this and if you have thought about the effect it has.

Honestly, I started calling him my "huzzbenn" because the word "husband" felt so strange in my mouth (as opposed to my actual husband, who felt just fine in my mouth). Remember... I'm so old that back when I came out being gay meant never, ever being able to marry. So it felt strange for me to say "husband" 15 years ago when I first started saying it... and so I said it strangely. Now I say it all the time, without feeling the least bit odd, but I sometimes still call him my huzzbenn because... well, because I like to. You know how some people have pet names for their significant others? I have a pet pronunciation for mine.

Regarding the "empath" in whose dilemma ate up most of this week's column...

Good god, that “empath” “friend." The similarities to an ex-friend of mine are absolutely chilling,
right down to the “taking a step back” technique of passive-aggressive punishment for imagined sins. Ugh. There’s a distinct flavor to the psychobabble of those who get deeply into yoga culture—maybe that’s part of the pattern.

Regarding the dude on the Lovecast who was wondering how to hit on women in his yoga class...

Please tell Yoga Class Dude: the class is not about you. Just consider how hard it is for women to find a safe space to exercise. Women's health is worse in northern countries during winter because it's so unsafe for us to go out in the dark. Women runners get assaulted. Women runners die. The gym can be an uncomfortable space of glances, staring, creepy compliments, and endless unwanted advice. Our every enjoyment of our physical selves is used to justify unwanted sexual attention. Women value yoga classes because they are the only space where we do not have to worry about glances, misinterpretations, comments, and assaults just because we are exercising. A class is behind closed doors, a woman-dominated space, where we can exercise, wear less (which is normal when exercising, not sexual), and feel safe.

Everyone is welcome, but that everyone should centre the needs and preferences of those who can't exercise elsewhere safely. But there are always Gym Class Dudes who see women letting their guard down and feeling safe as an opportunity. Yoga Class Dude, you point out these women are attractive, as though this makes it even more OK. But think about how much unwanted and creepy attention these women already face and how much they need that one space? And why it is that your only thought is how much you want a date? Why
should yoga class first and foremost serve your desires?

And finally: a brief update from a concerned mom...

Just FYI: I wrote to you about my son and you responded in a column titled The Ethical Sadist—it was about a teenage boy into SM—and I wanted to let you know that he's doing OK! Thank you for calming this mama down!

You're welcome! Okay... gonna leave it there. I hope everyone has a great weekend. See you Monday! Oh, and here's a bonus ballet boy, here to remind you to support the arts...


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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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