It's apparently Valentine's Day, a holiday that, according to some, has its origins in a Roman feast called Lupercalia, during which men drank a lot, sacrificed animals, and slept with women whose names they pulled out of a hat. This ritual has, of course, evolved since then, and in our sophisticated contemporary world, it's mostly observed by elementary school children and (in my not-so-humble opinion) foolish adults who've been conned into thinking that this one day above all others somehow has meaning. (And before you accuse me of being anti-romance... you're right.) Anyway, no matter if it's February 14 or 15 or 16, if you are getting busy tonight with your lover, yourself, or a bunch of strangers dressed like stuffed animals that you met on the internet, you're going to need plenty of lube. And while some store-bought lubes are created better than others, that cheap shit you get down at the Walgreens may contain petrochemicals, parabens, glycerin, and propylene glycol, which can cause yeast infections, irritation, and even disrupt the endocrine system, which is, shall we say, not hot. Let's avoid that, shall we?

This Valentine's Day, save yourself the outbreak and make your way down to the bulk bins at the co-op for some au naturel DIY slippery stuff. Your body—and your lover—will thank you. Here's how to make it.

Ingredients

1 tablespoon brown flaxseeds because the golden ones can smell weird

1 cup water

Instructions

Simmer flaxseeds in water for about 20 minutes, or until it’s reduced by half.

Strain it.

Refrigerate until cool.

Slather all over your genitals.

(And yes, you can eat it.)