Keep the hands to yourself, Rudy.
Keep the hands to yourself, Rudy. Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images

What's in store for us? Every Tuesday, we rub our crystals, check CNN, and then write down our best predictions. This week: who's running for mayor, hot-ass sports outfits, and how bored homebodies will turn into buff hardbodies.

FIRST, THE NATIONAL:

Rudy Giuliani will be the first and only member of Trump’s inner circle to die of COVID-19. 2020 was a banner year for the former mayor of New York—from getting caught with his hand in his pants in Borat 2 to melting at a press conference. His recent COVID diagnosis is just the icing on the fucking cake. The GOP has been extremely lucky that several high-ranking members of the Trump administration have beat the odds and managed to survive COVID diagnoses. But with how this year is going for him, I predict Giuliani will be the first and only high-profile Trump buddy to croak of this terrible disease. And with how thoroughly COVID has spread among Trump's closest advisers, I wouldn't be surprised if the lame-duck president manages to catch the bug again on his way out the door. J.K.

Democratic Senate wins in Georgia will personally benefit Trump more than Republican Senate wins. Obviously Trump wants the GOP to retain its Senate seats in Georgia, but Trump gets more fodder for his conspiracy fires if the Democrats win. Ossoff and Warnock victories in early January will inevitably lead to a repeat of the past month: more right-wing threats to voting officials, more exasperated speeches from Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, and also a sort of perverse vindication for Trump, who'll point at the GOP losses as further "proof" of a rigged election. This will stoke Trump's base, granting more momentum for a Trump 2024 campaign kick-off, a kick-off that'll probably happen on the same day Biden officially becomes president. C.B.

Debora Juarez for Mayor, it whispered.
"Debora Juarez for Mayor," it whispered. Photo by Stephen Brashear/Getty Images

Amazon apps will start telling you who to vote for. The last time Amazon tried to stick its fingers into local politics, they wasted a ton of cash. Okay, lesson learned! But they probably noticed that Uber was far more successful in California, leveraging their app to push election-related messages. It’s only a matter of time before someone at Amazon realizes that they have a direct conduit to voters; someday soon, you’ll start getting political messages whenever you visit Amazon.com, visit a Whole Foods, or go to watch a stream on Twitch. "Trust us," Amazon will tell its users (which is to say, virtually everyone in the country). "Would we lie to you?" M.B.

The 2024 Olympic uniforms are about to be “off the chain” with the inclusion of breakdancing as an official Olympic sport. While I applaud the International Olympic Committee for including breakdancing in the 2024 Paris Olympic games, they are nearly 50 years late to the party. The extremely gymnastic dance form has been around for decades since Black and Puerto Rican kids started it in New York City in the '70s. However, this inclusion opens up an opportunity to make the sport's uniform really fucking cool. Like with Nike's bright first-ever Olympic skateboarding uniforms that were meant to debut this year, I think the b-boys and b-girls' uniforms will follow a similar playful route. Fun wristbands? Beanies? Matching vintage tracksuits? Baggy tees? Those caps that manage to stay on and then fly off at a dramatic moment? Whatever it is, I think it'll be a refreshing change of pace from those godawful Ralph Lauren suits. J.K.

The GOP will not formally accept Joe Biden as the President of the United States. Biden will replace Trump and move into the White House, but only as a matter of law. The GOP, however, will continue to call Trump the winner of a fantastic contest and treat him like a leader in exile. Trump will be for the GOP much like the Ayatollah Khomeini was for the religious radicals of Iran in the 1960s and 1970s. And so Biden will only be the president of his voters and a few moderate Republicans. Trump will remain the president for the "deplorables." And if you think this development began with Trump, you are mistaken. Obama received the same treatment from the GOP. C.M.

When venues reopen, some will require proof of vaccination. Looking forward to going to a show next year when venues open their doors? Better bring a note from a doctor. While some venues will be glad to take your word for it that you’ve been vaccinated, others will be a bit more cautious. I think you’ll have to bring some form from a doctor’s office indicating that you’ve had your shots, along with a test to show that you’ve got the proper antibodies. That’ll establish a strange tiered system where more exclusive establishments will boast that they’re keeping out sick people, whereas you’ll just have to hope for the best at grubbier dives. Of course, this also means that dinner theaters will find themselves in the business of maintaining medical records about their clientele, opening up a horrible Pandora’s Box of privacy concerns. M.B.

NOW, LET'S GET A LITTLE LOCAL, SEATTLE:

Emotionally prepare yourself for a crowded, expensive mayoral race. Durkan is out. Local news organizations are already tossing around names like Council President Lorena Gonzalez, Councilmember Teresa Mosqueda, former one-month mayor Tim Burgess, Seattle Police Department Chief KING5 correspondent Carmen Best, The Stranger's Rich Smith, and more. Back in 2017, when an incumbent was maybe running, 21 candidates entered the mayoral race. The Chamber of Commerce will have to find a new business-friendly candidate to stan now that Durkan isn't running and a handful of progressive are going to take their shot at steering the city more left. This is going to be a crowded 2021 election for Seattle. N.G.

I will not run for mayor, but I will accept offers to be a Deputy Mayor for the next administration. Just throwing that out there for the future. R.S.

Are they both running for mayor? Too early to tell!!
The citywide City Council seats for both Lorena GonzĂĄlez, left, and Teresa Mosqueda, right, are up for grabs next year. LESTER BLACK

Getting back to the Chamber of Commerce... Remember CASE? The Civic Alliance for a Sound Economy, aka the Chamber of Commerce's PAC that spent big on their chosen council candidates in 2019? (It was around $1.8 million, with $1.5 million from Amazon.) I think we can expect a bigger cash infusion this time around. The topics at the center of next year's mayoral race (plus two citywide council races) will be police reform and whether Seattle should try to implement more progressive taxation. The Chamber just sued the city over the council's new payroll tax, and neighborhood business districts are already bemoaning the recent cuts to SPD's budget, which the council called a "first step." That discontent will combine with Amazon's ever-deepening pockets to create a divisive and spendy election. N.G.

He's probably joking, but I predicted this last week. SPOG President Mike Solan wanted an anchor at our local Fox affiliate to see his joke about his mayoral candidacy so badly he tagged her twice. R.S.

Pure speculation, but Andrea Caupain will run for Mayor. Last summer, a few days before Mayor Jenny Durkan cleared the CHOP and a couple weeks after she announced her intentions to invest $100 million in BIPOC communities, Byrd Barr Place CEO Andrea Caupain suddenly dropped her bid to fill Rep. Eric Pettigrew's South Seattle seat, despite winning the outgoing Rep's endorsement and leading the race in fundraising. Why? In a press release she said she didn't want to leave her organization, which runs a food bank in the Central District, during the pandemic. But she told the Seattle Emerald she "intends to run for office again in the future." With the vaccine in sight and plenty of talent in the local nonprofit sector, I bet she follows through on those intentions next year. Before she suspended her statehouse campaign, she picked up endorsements from former Seattle Chamber of Commerce CEO (and now Congresswoman) Marilyn Strickland, the Washington State Labor Council, and the Washington Conservation Voters. All of this suggests she could bring together big business, big blue, and big green to mount a successful citywide campaign. Neither she nor her statehouse campaign consultant returned Nathalie's request for comment yesterday, but I'll update if I hear a firm "no." R.S.

The Seattle City Council's poverty misdemeanor defense won't make it out of the Public Safety & Human Services Committee. The council is deliberating over whether to create legislation that would include a poverty or mental health "affirmative defense" to the Seattle Municipal Code, which would allow people who commit crimes out of necessity or survival to potentially avoid prosecution and keep them out of the criminal legal system. The business community came out in droves this morning to oppose the proposal. As this process continues (more meetings after this one, then eventually drafting legislation, debate, then a vote in the committee), I bet the angry public commenters will keep coming. The more cautious, business-conscious council members (Alex Pedersen, Dan Strauss, and Debora Juarez) will vote against the proposal. N.G.

Us having a WILD time at the theater in September 2021.
Us having a WILD time at On the Boards in September 2021. Moon Safari

Next fall, Seattle will have its most energetic arts season ever. The sad part is that many of our favorite arts organizations, venues, and clubs will be dead by fall. The remarkable part is that the venues that can make it will open to a thirsty city ready to patronize any fucking event that isn't over Zoom. The more bodies, the better. Audience members will pack lobbies, and we'll all remember that sweet sweet sound of a crowd. We'll be like bees between flowers. C.B.

FINALLY, A HOT NEW TREND FOR WINTER:

Himbo Hypno. We’ve got months of isolation and quarantine ahead of us, with no hope of the normal cold-weather diversions like game nights, holiday parties, and evenings at the theater. We’re all going to go absolutely bonkers with cabin fever, impatiently waiting for the return of warm weather so we can go back outside, and some will relieve the boredom with hypnosis. Kink-friendly hypnotists will offer a tantalizing diversion to while away the winter hours, weaving a dumbing-down trance that turns bored homebodies into buff hardbodies. Anxieties will melt away into a brain-mush of weightlifting and protein powder, backward baseball caps, tight leggings, and blissful stupidity. Nervous nerds will find their anxiety abated thanks to himbo hypnosis, blissfully rendered too dumb to remember what they were so agitated about. The days will blend together in workout routines until one warm spring day the doors will fly open and a bunch of tank-topped dummies with newly protruding musculature strut forth, dopey grins on their faces, fretful worries a thing of the past. M.B.

Read more totally accurate predictions here.